Bliss is an Art - Perfected by Practice

The digits on the cell-phone clock contain a rhythm of seconds in steps and I can feel tiredness seep into my pores like a rising tide. My body sinks into the faded off-white bed sheet, tiredness making my legs at once jumpy and leaden. 

As I snuggle back in the dim lit silence. I watch the digits choreographed in block steps moving forward and listen to dawn gathering. And, watch the white haze on the windows. 

I can feel myself out there somewhere at the peripheries of things, like a jellyfish that is present only in its own pulsing.

The staccato episodes of life that's me - keep panning in and out… there was, me in them and there was me, outside them. A non-judgmental viewer. A viewer who was inevitably taught this:  growth happens when the moments are bitter and slow, when night happens early at the edges of my soul. When breathing keeps getting interrupted claustrophobic thoughts.

And then this happens:  morning comes again. Bright and Sunny!

In my core I have resilience. In me there is a swift restorative sap that tells me again and again to have faith, trust self. Trust intent. The power of true desire. The walk towards 'the north star'

I see myself lately in a different light and recognising this feels a bit like finding a Polaroid shots of me in a shoebox and being unable to place the context or the time in which it was taken.

I have things to work at, in this new inning. Somehow I’ll make it through. 

From one day to next with grace. 

I’ll sip good chai, and make good food and work at being a good mother, a brilliant professional and do justice to all these titles. 

I’ll read poems that fill me up and write more. 

And I’ll wait… till the new me is recreated… and woven into the, me-now. 

A holistic me!

Till then I’ll breathe in the warmth of my son and my dreams... where the difference between being and being together fades.

Happy Happy Birthday, Nee! 

Copyright © Neerja Yadav

defining diffusivity

i sit on the window sill
and gaze out into the night
melting into that distant no-sight
the moon bursts out 

from behind the tattered clouds

Once there was shock
Once there was pain

Now its just nicotine
Now its just rain

Have been soaking in for so long
Now, a point
Where, it can hurt
No more
No more fire blazing
No more comets
tail shimmering
A torn leaf
A damp firewood

Esoteric helplessness
Cursory helps

And the eyelids…with a soundless blink
Spun those yarns… without a drop of ink

The starry heaven slowly make way
To dewfall skies

A few unsure treads, circled my heart
A few tremulous steps, fenced the wall

Lying, thinking
Floating, diving

I tried finding a home
a home for me
searching shadows
in hope for the silhouette

A lone light over the hill
Someone living there still

One more night of erosion
One more night of delusion
I glance through the mirror and tuck myself in.

Copyright © Neerja Yadav