the escape art


We are all pieces, trying to find the best fit for all our edges; grappling with self, with life and with purpose.

Today I found myself feeling every thought that traipsed across my mind, not just thinking and analyzing on auto pilot but feeling them… each one of them.

A neighbor lost one of her sons to complications of cancer, a friend lost a friend to depression; another one lost a girlfriend to murkiness. I devoured books like someone out of prison. I took impulsive drives in impulsive rains. I forgot obvious words in the middle of sentences. Basically I ran out of words. Bundled up on emotions; every single one of the senses taut and alert and me just the audience.

It’s been a drama of a week.

On Monday in the wake of a dramatic weekend and in wake of series of arguments with the manager and the way things are at work, politically, dirty, I decided to drown myself in work. And did just that! Dive down and there’s plenty to do, some oysters to find, some pearls to be discovered and some simple wonders of everyday. The beauty of being busy! The magic of mundane.

On Tuesday an impromptu coffee meeting and then what looked like escape begins to look like destination of some form. I stayed up till nearly midnight. Reading. Thinking. Hurting. Dreaming. Calming myself down. It is kind of surreal to see yourself through the motions of emotions. Be this high octane drama queen one moment and lovelorn lost soul next to completely sorted strategist the very next second. Like Magic.

On Wednesday I stayed up until midnight, talking, wanting to just go out and chill;  while trying to make sense of the addiction to drama. Why does he do this? Really? I am at a point in my existence where even a hint of anything over the top, dramatic, scares the hell. Drains the premium Qi away! And, then I just gave up trying to fight the illogic. Trying to draw some semblance of sense. Why bother? Not with apathy… but with compassion and understanding that everyone needs to, has a right to make their own brand of mistakes, missteps and evolve from there. Caterpillar to Butterfly is messy and yet Magic.

On Thursday took a detour from norm and went out pub hopping; on an invitation; invitation of an impulse! Reached home and collapsed into bed short circuiting another scene and another risk. And my five year old waiting for me and promptly falling asleep holding my hand, was magic!

Friday was back to back meetings – strategies to be made. New financial year to be charted; excels to be plotted and then Starbucks. Catching up on space. On nothingness. On re-calibration. On curious quotidian. Nothing short of magic.

Now, looking at Saturday. Day full of reading and wondering and laundry and chores and thinking and obsessing. And now catching up with friends, picking up from last weekend…  

A day of whiskey in wine glasses, and wine in coffee mugs and vodka in beer glasses; managing toddler time with grown-ups talktime; a day of letting the drama slide out … and unwittingly it becomes a day of letting go, hanging on and keeping things which matter, close…

For real life is messy. And real life is murkier than any pathos can hope to be and real life is richer, right here, happening, unraveling while we zone out…


Copyright © Neerja Yadav           

Beats between my Breaths

Looking for un-lost things,
the soul just circles and roam

It's a déjà vu tune or
another regressed song...

Is it me? Is it you?
Un-compassed I drift alone...

What am I looking for...
A truth or a dare
Or a flame I can flare.. *2

Adrenal drive...
I run from the past,
I boxed my angel down...
Shook the Lucifer around...

Snake eyes, broken wings,
Ecstasy laced hopscotch wins

The darkness pulls me down
The light throws me up

Lost in the debris
Caught in the freefall

What am I looking for...
A truth or a dare
A flame I can flare *2

Copyright © Neerja Yadav