june rain

you ask me,
what's on my mind... i dunno

it's spring outside
autumn and winter everywhere else
the night rain falls,

slow and slight
and the trees awash with tremulous white
what i thought was a ray of light
wasnt really it, only a slight,

this is "my own prison"can't really escape, now
can i??
huddling in the darkness of the mind
my head in my hands
the calm, i cant find
the hair, wild
no life in those strands

how does the soul leave
and you still live on
empty heart
empty shell

of all these years
in all those files
of memories
all that survives
are the frozen smiles

my vision of hell
and they call it heaven
maybe,

i wasnt born to be in heaven
or anywhere between them

am the evil
am an angel

who knows
who cares

from the genesis to my nemesis
all i wanted was...was...???

a slow smile
a hollow laughter
a distant thunder
a drop after drop of
cold, heavy tear from the blue-grey above
slide down my upturned face

no longer, the smile
no longer, the scream

just the drummer,which they say is distant
distant??

how do i hear him
inside me
so clear

the pied piper
on whose tune
i could dance away,
till i melt...
distant??

sounds, clouded
sight, shadowed

the scar here is all of self inflicted wound

hey, rain...
thanks for coming
thanks for company
thanks for taking away the pain


Copyright © Neerja Yadav

confessional - more than a dashboard

can you decide what you dream of?
maybe. sometimes. most of the times...

what exactly is "hope dangling on a string
like slow spinning redemption"?

the hope, the faith, the dream
takes me by hand
leads me towards the ray of light

it was just water flirting with sunshine
yet it rendered me... awed


i believe in you
because i believe in myself...

even in the most honest equations
there are premises...

uncomplicated is most complicated
simplicity is chaotic

"i have to be with you to live
to breathe
you're taking over me..."

i exhale an unexpected awareness of longing.....
and as i sat on that edge
or this ledge
i feel the hum inside me
a slight tug

what if decide to take "the leap"?

i take the walk
aimless walk of isolation
and feel the hidden eyes
am not alone...

a moment traces the trip of eons
it seems to have pushed the "fast forward"

in the throe of surviving
i desisted breathing
ages back
missed
the conversation

"drowned the ceremony of innocence"
a long time back
and missed
the graduation
of living

yet, hope still
dangles on that
thin string
redemption
spinning slowly...

Copyright © Neerja Yadav

friend?

(flash)

blinking bleary eyes and in looms a handsome smile
crouching near my bed... "sweetheart, you need to have food now..c'mon.. wake up, love!"
“ummm….”


(flash)

a slow lazy turn with the 10th ray of sunshine
soft feel of pink something in the left palm
surprise! smile!
how does a heart flip, when its still chugging out of dreamland?
umm...was that really a flower?
full open eyes now, there IS a flower
and pink at that! and in my palm, YEs!!
oh my god!! do i really sleep so unaware??
or was it really kept, so quietly?
....and why am i not asking the first ques. Who??
Didn’t need to. Did i?

of course, no one had ever said anything about it...
not even as much a look, which could glimpse this!!
so, do i need to be indignant?? well... am i? No.
so.... dunno! really!

(flash)

One winter evening...
Torrential rains... i mean, it’s lashing out in vengeance
I try to get a taxi cab to get me home…
but, though, the headlights did wash me over
the driver probably didn’t even register the pouring

Am a bit scared… maybe more.
Drenched to the bone… didn’t see this coming
In the sunny morning…

These weren’t times of cellphones-a-common-place.
Can I bet back in the office and maybe place a call, to..
to?? Dunno… walk back inside the campus,
at least that safe (really??)
well, the safety wouldn’t get me a commute, now, would it?

an hour passes, and then a two…
no one who should stop wishes to stop
and ones who you wish did not even exist
were now all rooted… at junctures like mushrooms in the rain
the world is full of irony (why not silvery, for a change?)

another lone headlight comes slicing the cold downpour
“god, not another one…., please!”
“or, maybe it’s a taxi with one headlights….”
Nah, its just a rider (on the storm! Somehow, those lines came alive)
The slicing complete, the rider stops some feet in front…
I am no more in senses to recognize, react… run…

I am drowning
I am sopping
I am unfeeling


“what the hell, do you think you are doing out here, without informing??”
- shocked silence—
- silence

“i am… we are… going nuts trying to call your desk.”

- silence –
- some more silence -

“I mean, really…, why couldn’t you just make one call???”

- silence

“ I am asking you something, why couldn’t you call?? Do you know, I have been running all over the town to all the likely places, looking for you??”

“i.. i.. (teeth chattering, voice choking).. i… i.. did call once… no one..one… pppicked uppp…, i…i… am …sorryyyy…”

- silence—even in that blanket of water I could feel the hurt, anger, worry, relief, and… something I couldn’t name… leaping out and sweltering right through me… I shuddered..

“you are cold. let’s get home, get on the bike”, came out a plain baritone.


(flash back to my desk)

“And hear your voice of treason,
Will you come ever try and stop this pain….”
Why? I ask… lots of them.
To you and to myself.
And somewhere, I know the answers to all of them.
Yes, all of them! Even the one!
I know I had it, coming.
I know, I was beyond caring what I do to destroy that one “us”
I wanted the “us” burnt, not at the stake
But like in a jungle to ashes, unknown to anyone
You know, Why?
Somewhere, with that one lie and lots of tidbits like that one,
It was broken, powdered and smeared…

So, i burnt it in cold blood
And I filled my lungs with the smoke,
And didn’t even cough once…
And, I howled my heart out
And, never breathed a word…
No repents that I met you
No regrets that I gave all I that I gave
“Not sorry that there nothing to say…”

Have a blissful wedded life, dear friend!


Copyright © Neerja Yadav