died las nyt @ w3 dot com

what happens, when one fine day... you decide to die?

and with a flick of few switches, a click of few options... there you are, dead!!

thought it would be scary?? trust me, it was... a little! BUT, then the exhilaration of freedom... freedom from being wired, freedom from a compulsion of an obligation... obligation to keep on - keeping on

no white light or nirvana here... just your regular day... everythings same, the status quo maintained... a re-iteration of the fact that one as an individual is quite so inconsequential except to the self... umm, maybe!

a tinge of nostalgia, which the seasons would take care of.. decades of "important" data from official and loved ones... all gone, destroyed in one go, in cold blood ... freeing up some more hard drive somewhere... email ids, IMs, social networking presence... all poof!

all that remains is this space, in some kind of suspended annihilation... but the process has begun, my friend... how long the suspension lasts? would there be new planets to begin afresh? or is this a march towards the end, finally? who knows... for now, its a cliched who cares too...

maybe its not my time go... yet... will "die (completely) just another day", for now...

Ash to ash
Dust to dust
Fade to black...
But the memory remains...

am lulled to sleep with Marianne Faithfull's distant lilt...

p.s: i possibly didn't want to.... but then what you need is incongruent quite sometimes with what you want!

Copyright © Neerja Yadav

rise of the fall

Today for no particular reason has been a complete sunshine day! A truly Amazing!
More so, after a night of sleep which was like trapeze hovering on semi-conscious, a melange of dreams – cute and scary. Every few hours I felt like I was almost awake, and, for a moment upon waking after in the morning, I was sure I had not slept at all. Well, I had. Insomnia has been a friend for a while.
Last 8 weeks or so things have been moving with alarming dynamism on event horizon. Everything collided and fused with everything else, the good news and the really bad news. Feeling rutted and near-tears, most of the times, I was exhausted both in body and spirit.
What exactly is the colour of pain? Why do we write? Does narrative help? Can all experiences can be distilled into a few extraordinary moments? Closed, undetected in some handy corner of the heart? And, are some moments in life not so priceless that they are worth those other zillion of wasted moments when we ghost walk our existence? The moments that are timeless…
Like the first kiss that stole your heart or the first wail of your baby or the moment they gave you first pay check or when you were proposed or the moment you see death…
Some moments definitely are timeless.
Why do we write? To collect these timelessness, which the “dailiness” of life at times begins dissolving into haziness.
No office work to distract, since I quit my last workplace and post-traumatic stress, and life in general, had left me feeling more anxious and more depressed than ever. Mostly, it’s the whole post-trauma stuff, which seems to permeate everything else. It seems, life, (which if you look at it carefully, is quite ironic almost all the time) was a 22 course dinner where even before you have completely savoured your last delicacy, you get dragged into the next one.
So, today (26.10.2007) was one of those perfect blissful days. The unhurried silence that hung snugly on the whole place. One of those sublimely autumn days, where the breeze is just pleasantly cool, the sun just graciously warm and the sky that color of rich undisturbed blue with occasional wispy white clouds.
I pick up one of the books which I borrowed on my last visit to the library and settle down for a slow leisurely lead. A perfect treat on a perfect day! The whole area just ringing with that bonhomie silence interspersed with voice of domesticity of the neighborhood.
The inclines of green autumnal glades, the sleepy warmth of sun, I sink into the delicate folds of my beanbag, face upturned drinking up the sun slowly but hungrily. The air cool and filled with smell of fall: emerald grass, musk of wood smoke and falling leaves. My only companion my book and the flight of those winged creatures… the ones I have envied for their unassuming freedom, forever. I have not a had day like this, the day when I was completely, wholly in the beauty of now.
The same unhurried camaraderie over a cup of tea and conversation with my sis. The same glee and flirtatiousness exchanged over text messages with him.
Witnessing and reveling into the glory of this magically simple day, is something which I think I completely needed.
And, then when the sapphire of the evening slowly turned into inky blue of the night and the breeze is still cool, I am entirely content looking at that huge perfectly milky dollop of full moon, majestically gracing this autumn sky here tonight!
And, I guess I am slowly but surely stepping out of the abyss. And, for sure I haven't lost my capacity for joy. My capacity for diving into these exquisite moments, dripping with love, with the unchallenged certainty!

Copyright © Neerja Yadav


The ringing silence
And the plain walls

All in a sudden conspiracy
Strangling the last ounce of reason

Panic rising

Claustrophobia… clouds the breath
And the being, too

The emptiness outside
Is more than home inside

closed my mind
closed myself
turned blind
too much light
and then nothing

falling apart
exploding further

notes from song... distant
two eyes.... cold and silent

empty nights
hollow days

chased a rain cloud
and then a sunbeam
fly through the sky
for ever more...
now with
sobless and tearless cry

you leave me
on this evening
dusk shadows blend...
wishes on eyelashes... now i lend

just be brave
and this too shall pass!

Copyright © Neerja Yadav