It's time to talk about what i felt then ...


The night before, I was tossing between my sheets... licking my flaky dry lips ... dry with fear... freaking out!

What should i do? What if someone finds out? What if, i dont have it in me ... to finish this? More so, since i didnt wish to.... i wanted it go on... but i couldn't! And, that was THAT! Just couldn't.

Could I do this? Would I?

Finally with the hint of sunlight, i got up. Stepped into the jets of ice cold shower, i never take cold showers ... except at times like this... but wait, this has never happened before! It did not feel real! Only that, nothing was as real as this ... in my entire life.

Pulled off my matter-of-fact look. Blue Jeans and white tee. Called my friend, who had in the first place directed me to this place... she said she couldn't come with me... she had some real imp stuff to take care of ... and i couldn't begrudge her that... all through this she was the only one there, surprising; since she wasn't really my "bestest buddy" and yet, unjudging, calm, practical... she just smoothly showed me the way. In a span of couple of weeks, my whole life seemed to be have been taken away to pieces and put onto a different plane.

I hadn't really talked about this to anyone. Very calmly, i had called him up and told him about it. Calm! There was no other way. And, he was miles away ... couldn't be there with me! and, i knew it... i mean, i knew that even if he wanted to ... it wasn't feasible... i knew all that and i still blamed him... there was no one on this freaking "billioned" populated planet ... who could say "its okay and it would be fine!" just NO oNE!!

i did think of few 'friends' i could call up... i mean i forced myself to scroll through my contact list ... but then scrolling like that has never worked, right? it has to come naturally... and naturally this friend was the only one, who i speed-dialed, told her about "the mess" (though, it freaks me to call it that... it wasn't... i wanted it as much i want life and yet...) and what i had decided to do about it ...

she listened. called me over, treated me to scumptious lunch and a tall expresso glass and calmly, categorically told me .... that what i was about to do was stupid and how dangerous it could be and the right way to deal with it was the other way... a safer, surer bet...

i agreed! i didn't want to but i did... i knew, i had no option and this was THE WAY to go... just knew it.

so, here i was ... a 20 something ... on my way to a place i had only read about... had heard of ... i knew it was a controversy still ... and i felt every one on the street knew about it

its exactly seven months today and i still can't coherently talk about the next 3 hours .... i only remeber being over whelmingly thirsty!!! and no water around, no one to get it for me!

my friend called, he called and then i had to call my sister... i had lost more than my slip ons... ... during those hours somewhere ... and i wanted to go home... i was tired! extremely tired in spirit ...

and there isn't a day, i am not reminded of it ... something changed irrevocably ... broke. am not an emotional mess, i am better than that! but then, i possibly am not even aware of, even if i am!

it made that big cut, which decided my turns on the road... am on.

i still talk to myself. there have been other n number of times, when struck with the lows of life ... i have hugged myself and cried and said it would be okay... but this one time and about this one time ... nopes, no talkin... not a word, except this fistful of words thrown into the winds of web.

the Comfort Zone was crossed and the doors are now shut for ever. I can never relax and i know i have always had that aquarius spaced out now here - now not thing ... but take this and multiply it by some huge figure and what you have is what i am now...

and, no you cant really see the difference!

...Copyright© nEErs

caught in 200 kmph and faerie lights

after a longgg time .... and you could a put a huge longgg there ... i picked my camera today, battery loaded them... and presto, there i was ... slowly getting back in harmony with self...

oh, by the way, bunked work (umm, correction "worked from home") .... read a lil' (yay!), had mangoes with home made cream (double yay!!) and took pictures (how cool is that?) ... a few outdoors, since the squall still doesn't seem to be merciful ... rainstorms being the order of the day; so mostly it was in doors ... in and around the apartment...

aside: he says this place used to be furnace with rains being step-sisterly ... but this year... and he says thats because i am here ... this time! was that a compliment?? :) i wonder, with squalls getting violent enough to be Katrina clones!


screaming storm - quiet moon

inkiness quietly wraps the house ... the sky has been dull grey all day... and it makes me sad. for no reason, maybe there is one ... i have been irritable and moody whole weekend ... and i find myself, for umpteenth time, longing for laughter filled house, the bustle of
unmanageable toddlers, longing for green, for grass ... for something which can quench this in satiated thirst...

the weekend jived out of the calendar ... with me not being able to keep the step, neither trying ... am feeling completely out of sync, unsettled .

sometimes the sheer volume of loneliness is enough to drive me up a wall. everything feels dull and out of sync. sadness dyes the space around me like beetroot juice.

and now I’m curled up on my lime green chaise lounge, the lime yellow curtains fluttering (my own attempts at putting a wall for angry heat) ... a mix of melodies spewing forth on iTunes, and me trying to string words to sync the fragmented being.


livin by the word

This morning, I work up to screaming, taunting squall ... pumping adrenaline at 104Kmph... it seemed out to avenge ... what? And, the shower of firmly congregating rain clouds did nothing to assuage the anger ... in fact, turns out they have love-hate thing ... and all was mayhem, RainStorm. The reverie of drunken happiness ... went on for a couple of hours. The night sky burnished with lightening and raging thunder should have been a warning enough.

After a too-busy fortnight of work, work and some more work ... managed to horde few minutes to write. The words dribbling, even as my wet hair sprinkled my keyboard.

Am moody about the fact that haven't been able to either read or write to my heart's content... in a while. After the rains the sky looked like a mosaic of torn clouds. After the wild thrashing of wind and rain... the tranquility looked ironical.

I like to have a book on me always ... my night read, my everywhere read ... my lazing around read. The habit of parallel readings; stemmed from the greed of words; of stories; of ideas ... long time back.

Words have always been my best friend ... the language teasing my intellect, pulling me in like a vortex, making me feel alive ... with all the ideas bunkering in my thought.

The smooth flow of narrative and then a sudden sharpness of genius of language. I tend to get dyed in the colors of the characters. The science of language like music takes a form of art. Urging on to live!


... filled fridaY

It is somehow already Friday. I am like sand on the banks, wet here, sweltering dry there and scattered... the days just keep spilling into each other, with the line between setting and rising... thinning haphazardly. These are moment i want to remember.... when the life becomes one "long un-ending day"