sum of now and then some....

words have seriously left me and i have no idea what happened to them. tired of hammering on the sub-conscious, fighting for space in my over-crowded conscious. they simply took themselves off.  but like a long lost love, their silent call tenacious and nagging - a very heavy sound. haunting. like the fraught laundry basket, moments keep piling up - unworded.

things consume me, aspirations i harbour for myself this year, along with the certainity of the daily somethings and uncertainity of future nothings. a heart - stoked with fire against these cold winter grey.

It’s foolishly easy to sit in the dark with my baby attached to my breast, wondering, is this the sum of now? Is this what I intended when I was twenty-one, more sleek, more naive, more inflamed with ideals?

thought buckets filled with things that are out there still to be acheived, be mine, things still un-traced and the heart laced with wander-lust; and then how we measure our lives is so strangely, imperfectly, foolishly, relative.

some days i feel small and i wish to sob the smallness out and not let these dreams press too much againts my ribs, inside my heart... beckoning me! and some days am just grateful for these same small things! and who am i really to complain? when life in afghanistan and haiti and closer home is in shambles, who am i to complain?

i know I easily weave a web of thoughts and get caught —even with just blogging. I trick myself into this mindset that I always have to write something relevant, and last year was a year of quiet moments and a lot of angst about things and without meaning to I’ve stopped noticing the small things, stopped writing about the every day.

I’ve been preoccupied a great deal here with the day to day, and also with a pervasive feeling of not getting as far as I need to with my life; not doing as much as I should or whatever. The thing I kind of keep forgetting and then bumping into again and again is the
fact that I had a baby this year, and really, that is a big fucking deal even though its something that happens all the time to nearly every woman. Having a baby is derailing in the best and worst ways. It splinters your heart and your objectives. It makes you become, and also destroys small (and possibly shallow) parts of who you once were. (Who was I at twenty-one anyway? What did I want?)

When the decade started I was twenty-one and eager and I didn’t actually put much thought towards concrete goals. What did I expect? To be honest, clueless - is the answer!

Now I feel wide-eyed and grown up and then not really. This is my life. These moments, fragrant and tender with my baby’s soft head against my breast. He slips into sleep, and I look into the dark towards the pale outline of the window.... reliving moments.



Jaycee said...

All you need to do is take each day as it comes. When Jesus was here He said, "why worry about tomorrow? Look at the birds of the air...they don't worry but God takes good care of them. How much more you who are more precious in God's eyes? Today's troubles are sufficient. Tomorrow will take care of itself."

Let those dreams keep GROWING and GROWING. Let each day be filled with JOY. At the right time, the dreams will come to pass.

Φ said...

Heart tugging and so soothing. Being a dad I could understand what it feels like to see that little thing sleep off peacefully.

Mine is a boy he now sings da.. daa.. daaa :D

My wife felt the same way about certain things you have mentioned here but she says after the baby even a Himalayan task seems so small and she feels there is some fierce energy that drives her to do things.

She says "I have to damn get things done so I could spend more time with him" so she is like the lioness at work (read as Jungle)

cheers to the motherhood!!

(mithis to the little one)

Margie said...

Hi Neers
Words will never leave you!
Your beautiful words always touch my heart!