BEFORE THE FINAL LOCK-DOWN and the gates secured

"walk out that door, see if i care, go on and go...", 
"i won't miss your arms around me... holding me tight..."
"i would survive, i'll make it through... i'll even learn to live...", 

As he walks away, he feels the pain getting strong... too proud to turn around, he's gone!
I watch in slow motion, as it goes up in flames - that thing... that could not be named.

In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame others for what we feel. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it." so says Maria in Eleven Minutes

How do you then deal with bleeding to death without a pinch? Dumb and Numb?

Do you ever go back and read your own archives? Or to the days when blogging wasn't invented and keeping a daily journal was the stand-in for the girl. Cliched? And, then not so much!  Like a time capsule seeing me small, gawky and growing up. Grown up, kiddish and resilient!  

Another thing from going back how overtly sensitive one was. How, one smile from a stranger, lit up the days on end and one stare from ma was heart breaking! How even when the heart broke into thousand pieces, the spirit hung around like the best friend, a quiet stronghold. How, when the spirit tethered on the edge, mind took over and said "its not really end of the world" and how when mind was tailspinning, the books took all the vent- bearing out the cryogenic steam, stolidly. 

Now, not so much. I can’t put my finger on it, but I do think something has changed. Maybe too much of breaking down and breaking up, is now taking the hit!  There is less passion or something…and more business now. Maybe? Or, un-wittingly i created horcruxes of my soul, not to be immortal but to be able to survive.

The hearts is surrounded by smog today! From inside in here, i cant see the spring at all...they keep telling me its just round the corner! Maybe i am stuck in a maze with no corners to turn.  Went for a walk; picked up few candy-floss-willows moments and rubbed them against my cheeks. Soft. Softer. Me better? The sky, the city skyline and the hills blend, things become smudged, things became silhouettes of themselves: telephone poles, pigeons perched on wires, rooftops, the details blurred with moisture. 

I splashed in every puddle, i had carefully treaded around in the past.  Without a promise of better road ahead, why did i go back? All the way to, pixie haircut, school skirt too long and frame too short days?? I perhaps should have done this before? Much before? Walking around like a caricature of all my selves isnt the done thing, i guess! For once, am getting my hands on things: in the mud, in the wet grass, in the sky.  The sky is white on white. And, slowly the sky turns inky blue, freckled with moon-lit clouds! Am looking for stars to count but sleep doesn't want to be friends with me any more... neither are there stars tonight.


heart - odds and evens

nirvaans becoming needy by the hour, it seems.. playful, energetic and clingy - all rolled into one.and my life post him for a while was just a restful domesticity and then soon, i began to crave to fill the vacuum in my other sphere... sphere that is different than being a wife, a daughter and a Mother!

motherhood is a blessing and like all blessings it has to be earned. earned in a way that single handedly manges to tamper your DNA in a way, a caterpillar changes into butterfly. the only difference? i still remember my pre-Mommy days and recognise, bits and parts of what i was.

all things feminine for me, on this IWD, not that i wait for a designated days to assert me to me, of all the people; inspite of dolloping 365 days on 365 days for 32 times, i remain malleable and do tend to cover the fire inside with all the wet wood.

not your archetypal feminist... not me, thats aiming very low... we are different - men and women, am all for enjoying and celebrating the difference. the day when, celebrating being a woman would not be designated to just 1/365 days... would be the day! oh, i fit right back in my skirt now, yay me!! so thats my celebration!

honestly, i am not a A lister when it comes to relatioships, putting in efforts into maintaining the human bond is not something i handle well... never. i am with you, because i love you; and thats all theres to it. and though i dont call or text, email or attempt anything else, you are there firmly placed in the spot i gave you... the tryin to make efforts to build... complexities and the fibbings and the fidegting, thereafter takes serious toll on me... it did and now am breaking on through to the other side... the side that was always me.

i have made some serious horrendous mistakes and have made some steely strong bonds, beyond the constraints of space and time... heart-mind continumm is such a wonderful thing 

and, i see myself walking, that bit taller, into that ethereal sunrise...  new day, each day... lessons such learnt because of some of these women around me...

gran - i still am unable to get over her, the fact that she wouldnt tell me stories anymore, is yet to sink in... and she is always there, around

mom - NO WORDS!

ma-in-law - this woman is strong, very strong

my kid sister - and yet i look up to her, in so many ways... yea yea, this will go to her head and she would climb that last step at the top... jeez!

preeti di, chane aunty, deepti, nikitha, shachi, prachi,saloni, shaku bai, shobha, priyanka, trupti, chutki, ashwini ... these are such fine women, that one wonders, why is my tribe ever called, weaker??

a part of Me is me... because these women have been a party to creating my island.

men too and Nirvaan, that 5 month old gurgling bundle tops, have had lessons for me, stuff that needed learning has been possible because,

GUYS you have been there or not there or ...
--> you who knows what i really really like without a word,
--> you who knows all that i wish to say even without a word,
--> i call and you know its me,
--> you who has major arguments with me, just because you want to keep talking,
--> you who tells me things like i was school girl....
--> you, who makes my heart race

all of you....and all of this, has made me better as an individual.
at least, i like to pretend that!  :)