energy-sap

So I fell ill and tried sleeping it off.  But I have a year old at home, and this was not the type, I have been waiting for, to catch me unawares; but the “transference-illness”; my son wasn’t feeling well and so… ! 

I tried sleeping it off but all I managed was perpetually fractured REM sleep. And, I carry on full length dramatized conversations and its more than lucid dreaming. It’s as if my conscious hops on a ledge and begins weaving a yarn, replete with complex characters and emotions. Was “Inception” fact-based after all?

The trees are all shedding, quivering in the autumn air, a hint of chill already in the evening air. Harbinger of cold months heading our way. A year of being a mom, a year of uncertainty – such that I have never known, a year of tumultuous emotional fare, on a perpetual roller coaster of hormones and brain chemistry.

I long to reconnect with my own narrative; the narrative that was solely me! And somehow, that doesn’t seem to be happening anytime soon. The movie has been shelved. The prints half done.
I dream of far off places, full of wanderlust. My reverie includes taking my baby along, showing him this beautiful planet and seeing things his way. Learning together, growing together. Living full!

Instead I have been on a task tackling spree one after another and by the time, I lie down to let sleep rejuvenate me for those next set of tasks, I am bone-tired but sleep doesn’t come sweetly. Doesn’t take me over, like its meant to and this goes one.

But, in all the chaos and the incoherency, I am thankful. Thankful for my son! For my family!  

A friend said… “be thankful, it could have been worse!” 


picture credit: Niemamowy


Copyright© Neerja Yadav

ONE


You are one today!

We are sick, you and I, still so much a part of each other, down with stuffed cold, which makes your brain goes hollow! 

A year just waved a goodbye and its perhaps been the most eventful year of my entire 32 years on the planet! Watching you grow from a milk like divine-ness to wet-small, big eyed to the little devil you are turning into; has been most satisfying!

You become a mother, your DNA mutates. Your soul literally jumps out and is now trying to maneuver the walker like a bike! (guy, already!!) 

And, every time i think of the moment I gave birth, there's this transcendental quality to it, beyond numbness and beyond pain, sort of surreal... and i slowly blink, bam, you are ONE!

Watching you everyday for first 90 days where it looked like a sinking investment... you keep working and loving and all you get back is loads of dirty laundry... to next 9 months, where every week was like a milestone, now you look at me, now you smile, now you hold your head and curl your fingers, now you giggle and hey, thats the first tooth and excuse me, i can talk "mummmma" 

As a confession: this last year, i almost always tethered on the cusp of black-hole depression, they have a fancy name for it - postpartum, but i belief its just the mind's rebellion against the lost energy synch! You, saved me! 

And, on this day as a pledge to you, who makes me strive towards the best in me: You can count on me... like you do now, always! i do not promise to give you the best of everything out there... i could try, but i do not promise! what i do know, in my very marrow... is that i would never love any other soul as much as i love you!

EVER!

your presence has taught me a new way to living. patience and a new take on things... NOW is what matters!

you are intense and you are gleeful, already we see you staring into space, lost in your thoughts and the very next moment, the perfect infant crankiness... contradiction of sorts! you are cute and you are a rascal, you want to be picked up all the time, sometimes and other times, you want to be left alone. you are this and you are that... above all, you are beautiful! 

a very happy birthday, darling! 

love,
mumma! 


Copyright©Neerja Yadav

the golden hour




 
there was a time, the web was my dwelling. those were the times, when we at Avaya R&D were really pushing on products which would help make everyone, "always-On" like literally all the effing time...Unified Communication, the industry calls it!

in walked facebook, twitter and the likes and the communication took another leap! ha, you guys... hello!! i was always here, just wired differently. 

when i began this blog (and this baby here has seen avatars like indian mythology at its best!) i did not know anyone in real life, who had a blog and i felt pretty unsure and awesome and then unsure again!! but, i wrote, i wrote because, i subsist on words... i wrote to understand myself and everything around me...  i wrote to satiate that insatiable... and it did wonders... twice i almost killed this space (yeah pretty anti-physics that ways... or anti-daily-physics to be precise) and lost some stuff which i logged here.. my dashboard says 180 posts and i know, i lost some 100 more...!  i read more than i write and i publish way less then i actually end up scribbling. it did wonders, because in those heady affair beginning days, when theres no response to all your muted passion leashed unto your journal and then suddenly you see things happening and that dear diary bit begins to feel like prayers or self-fulfilling prophecy.... i made friends!! some real kick-ass folks, am proud to call friends... the comments rocketed and dwindled, some kept in touch and some were lots in the ebb of chip-time and digital space... but the presence and the support, the undying belief and never-ending encouragement was truly AWESOME! 

since then, the face of personal blogging and social networking has mutated into this big giant of a thing! imagine, if either terminator or matrix were ever to be true!! we would be SCREWED! LIKE ROYALLY!  

love as much as i do, this space here... i look up from my sleek fancy laptop and mind gets caught with the quaint splendor of late afternoon autumn light. things basked in golden tint, the distant hills, the skyline and the clear blue sky. a symphony for the senses.

dude, i really don’t wanna miss all this! coming from a generation which will always be on cusp of when things were still Eastman color and an era which did a  double-take on mobile communication… I would always nurse this nostalgia for slow and sweet, big family gatherings, train journeys, poetry recitals and letter writings. 

Am a self confessed geek, I mean, nerd to the core… I knew my unix shell script even before I was out of college, hacking was the professional mecca, and not your astlavista.com styled hacking, a true blue unix/assembly version.

And, yet I say… we need to get off the addiction… and as a personal bit, I get off the grid on weekends. No blogging, no tweets, no fB.. sometimes not even cellphones! Pretty green, eh?  

The fact that I am a full-time mommy to a one year old might have something to do with it! But, all the same… aren’t babies blessings? I know… I named mine just that! :) 

Copyright©Neerja Yadav