grateful* touche'

heaven does conjure up little something to make you happy,
the trick is to relish the fortune while lapping up the cookie,
the trick is to have faith...

 eros, july 2008
p.s: *nirvaan runs up and smack! his-signature kissi wissi :D  
Copyright © Neerja Yadav

threading in the music

Today, I am happy and relaxed. And, yes I still have tons to do at work. I think that’s the good thing.  Put me under pressure, I glide. Put me under strain, I balk. And, when it comes to your only child, your first time parenting, even a little looks monstrous and some of these  monstrosities slowly suck the life out of you! 

He is better today and is his happy devil self again!    

The sky is gray except for where the clouds are pulled thin, and then the sun shines through with milky light. Out my window birds arrive: chickadees, pigeons, house sparrows, crows. The alight among the iron railings of the terrace, and preen. Beautiful! Nirvaan gets happy, his four toothed grin radiating glee at them.

This is as close as I’ve come this week, to being outdoors: I even missed being at the School Reunion, the one which I have been looking forward to for months!! So, how do you do this? How do you compartmentalize you heart? I missed being with this bunch, like a hell lot! But, am happy I didn’t go, and stayed home with my son! Does being a woman, makes this easier? I guess.

Watching from my window as the world turns to winter outside. And I can hardly believe it: winter, just like that. The days darker and darker still. Inside, I’m at my desk; an itemized to-do list hanging on the wall in front of me: 104 projects of varying degrees of critical importance to be accomplished.

And it’s intense. That’s for certain. Especially with an infant underfoot!

This not the old jet-set, living of suitcase but at home and work, sedentary yet running, overflowing minutes. I love every single minute of the intensity and the exponential learning that takes place every day as the lens through which I’m looking widens, and then widens again. Its emergent! I love that the word emergent implies that the subject is always in process. Life in process, in evolution!

So right now, on the very smallest scale it comes down to this: to being in the moment, and applying it as broadly and flexibly as possible to all the moments those extend beyond it. It means going into the day expecting surprise; and about being present in the process when things converge—when news feeds, SoWs, code, images, ideas, systems and dirty dishes collide to create a small tear in the present through which innovation pours, like the milky light spilling through the clouds even now.

 one monsoon evening from my terrace

Copyright © Neerja Yadav

"he is just not THAT into you!"

 picture credit: Amit Ghosal

Have you ever noticed how your thoughts almost always follow the same patterns, the same path? Even if it’s out of the box for the world, it becomes run of the mill for you. And, the moment something different strikes you, you are either full of wonder or want to dump it, out right! 

I miss, the days when the world was a big beautiful world and we had questions for everything. We were learning. We were growing. When did we stop? Why? Do I know and understand everything that needs to be known and understood?

Words collect and gush and then collect again, like little rain puddles. Dirty and beautiful! Then words that snapshot the evening skies and starry midnights, dewy mornings and birds on wire; the words that are prim and pretty! How about those words that gathers like cirrus clouds and wrench the fluttering heart and daggers in your marrow about heart aches and arguments and hurt and bouncing back.

Why have we become so wordy? Where is the simplicity of silence? Why do we devise methods of hiding? From our own selves? Why are we a afraid as a race?

In past week or so, I have been hearing and seeing a lot about cheating-on-your-partner thing. From the web to the Sunday newspaper supplements, looks like media is re-hashing the age old, beaten to death and yet alive issue.

WHY DO PEOPLE CHEAT?  Should this be the question at all?

I believe you can never EVER force loyalty and commitment. If you bind them in words and social structure and legal technicalities etc; if they wish to cheat, if they FEEL a need to Cheat, if they according to them are either unhappy or unsatisfied or do not think enough of the commitment, they would cheat in their MINDS. Can you stop THAT?

Can you place a thought-catcher and use it in a court to settle scores? Why even attempt at settling scores? Wouldn’t the self dignity call for walking away from an uncomfortable situation? If someone did not think enough of you before cheating, has the gumption to either lie or accept. Don’t you think, you must not have been important enough? Then, why the fight? To assert the importance? How is money (in case of legal marriages) a reprisal enough of the thoughtless gesture? Though, it might take care of you (in case you are a dependent spouse and that’s why the law)

We don’t own people. EVEN the blood ties! We as a race should stop asserting our ownership on things. On people! Hasn’t helped! Doesn’t help! Will NOT.

Giving up things is easier, people is not. And, I say; as long as you are together, make it lovely. The moment you feel you might separate, let them go! After all, if one of you was to die, you wouldn’t do anything, right? BUT the ego says, why the other over me? It is never over you! It’s a new thing ONLY; it’s NEVER a new thing!

I am trying to let go of all sense of ownership. It’s tough. But, am trying!

Copyright © Neerja Yadav

handful of sunset

picture: magarpatta sunset from tower 1 wing B

chapel around this feeble heart, buried in the wilderness, it stands mute testimony to time, to space, to cold; misfit verses, rhymeless meanings; clothed in absence... poetry happens, when time melts and conscious hovers, kissing books in the dark

Copyright © Neerja Yadav