of equations and constant variables - of being high on life


The sky turns to gray, then lavender, then black. The distant concrete jungle becomes a silhouette.

Curled inside a love-made blanket with my feet tucked in and the kick-ass 2 year old for a companion, I can feel my breath catch in my ribs. I’m always close to tears, this week and happy! Go figure!

The time is both luxury and limitation. I want all of it, this glorious mess called life and love. Drinking hungrily on the syrup like a humming bird!  

Being a full time mom while doing a full time school and working full time, catches my breath… the fatigue has now become second nature. Here and now, am in love, like never before!

Some days it’s fire, some days it the hose! It’s messy and it’s magic.

It’s brutal and brilliant.

The night arrives softly, filled with the trilling of cicadas and the soundless fluttering of moths wings. I have been exceptionally thin skinned lately...

But, then, am becoming adept at being a bad-ass mommy!  This almost-balance, this in-motion, this push-pull, this abundance of giggles, even the melt-down tantrums, makes me what I am!

A list of little boy awesomeness:

* Mud and dirt is meant to be played in. Let him. Let the laundry pile up. No one will remember clean laundry; mud monsters on the other hand: totally epic.

* Extra bubbles in the bathtub. So what if his hair doesn’t ever get perfectly clean? There’s always next time.

* Make soup. A 2 yr. old can do a number on lettuce with a butter knife. Also: they’re more careful than you’d think, and growing boys who turn into men who can cook = lovely.

* New couches are overrated. Keep the one you have. Buy throw pillows. Let him throw. Up and down. Science happens here!

* Chocolates called by their shapes. Let him make a mess, click pictures! Extra tissue papers  + a little water works wonder.

* Match box cars, pint sized super heroes, board books. Classic!

* Say yes. Keep videos on loop and let him mouth the dialogues and songs. Cheer with him if he likes something.

A gleeful 2 year olds laugh ringing through your apartment is worth anything under the sun!

 Copyright © Neerja Yadav

This Christmas...


Boxing Day is quiet here! Like all morning afters... quiet and tentative! 

Nirvaans asleep, after a tiring whirlwind drive yesterday and day before, he is sleeping off the hangover! 
The house hums and screams in turns, with the silence.

There was something about this year, with the extremes coming in place, just like that. Simply. The year began with ‘Hope’, a throwback of last year and then slowly 'Serendipity' took over… slowly and surely!

There was something about pre-Christmas days, the 180 degree from full-steam-work to full-on-friends/family time…. and, I miss a lot of the family! But hey…

We all converge on the kitchen or the terrace, crowding, too many elbows, enough laughter and then some… and then not.

We check our phones, and we check each other doing the same, I made a pact and hid mine!

Nirvaan, all glee and then tired! Little elfish snores.

Holidays are like this… bittersweet! Needing. Wanting. Desiring. Nostalgic. And. New.

But then, the air is just enough to make the magic. The house gets warm and toasty. And, half of me is in the bedroom, making sure the noise doesn’t wake him up. But, girls never, not talk and giggle!

We have fun. Play. Eat. Drink. Laugh out loud. He wakes up and refuses to come say hello! I don’t insist, knowing fully well, he wouldn’t … yep, I am not really a disciplinarian parent. And, then he is surrounded by girls… all pampered and basking!

We kiss, we rub noses, we love, we argue, we laugh. It is all inevitable: this mess, this frantic loving!  We lean into the chaos. And, enjoy!

The easy sparks of joy that come from the simplest things: warm sun, touch, coffee, quiet.

PEACE…  all of you, and yes…. LOVE, lots of it! To the planet!


Copyright © Neerja Yadav

treehouse times

 

 Days spin by, leaving an afterimage, wet with winter 
shut the world out
soak in the banter
sprinkled upon by elfdust
faerie mischief... perhaps, I say

Like some far forgotten dream
like the love that was
like the unexpected serendipity
like the moth to the fire

Secrets are the only magic
what we know, and they don't
what we see, which the rest blink out
the pause in the song
the crack in the pavement
the sun caught, high up in the trees


 I am a thread too slender, To suspend all this reality.
Phillip Pulfrey

i perhaps have a song somewhere
one day, i shall breathe it
onto the sky
some day..


Copyright©Neerja Yadav

Sun-Down


The road begins to double back, like a paperback I read my story, am the heroine and the villain, ‘am the heart and the mind, ‘am the plot and the prologue… the end comes a little too soon


HER STORY
Every sun-down, without fail, she would stand at her bedroom window; looking out into the woods. 

She didn’t know why, she didn’t remember, how it began… just that she stood there one day and she stands there every day...

Braiding love-knots in her wild raven hair, playing with the lace curtains… dark eyes, waiting… for what?


HIS STORY
The sun-down dark is slow spreading ink. It grows till it hugs me and everything else … tight, a velvet embrace!   
I sit with my back to a tree.  The blurred shadowy edges spill on the forest floor; the woods have become lovely… tangled in the darkness.

I have been sitting here for centuries. Waiting… For what?

And then, there was light in one of the windows. The only house that stands there.

Someone was standing at the window… 



Copyright © Neerja Yadav

a day in december

I wake up to the huge beige moon hanging low in the pre-dawn sky and Venus twinkling her name. the 3:30 - 4:00 am world is pure magic. The witch hour!

Am always in awe, always! And I am here, at the beginning, at the end, right here in the heart of a beginning of a winter.And, I take that leap of pure impulse ... a planned impulse.None of the 'am-very-busy-important-than-thou' stance of jet-sets!

I want to tell you about driving at 100kmph in the inky-morning air and of sleepy security check-ins and 20 mins early landing and about the 'no-rush-to-be-anywhere' arrival

It's chilly and foggy! I brought rain-showers and the final arrival of the cold. And, the drive is pure nostalgia of myriad old and new landmarks.




 
Morning hot chocolate with this friend, who perhaps is privvy to more of my thoughts than some of those I grew up with!

A loner and a charmer, a ranter and a thinker, straddling the world of finding personal voice and world's cacophony. Am glad for the internet and am glad to have made some wonderful people and am really really glad we finally met!

Another cup of coffee with school-friend I grew up with! Still the same! Cute and 'confused' (so she claims!) ... still the same intensity (i love this) and still very much a friend, you just totally can continue the thread with.... years don't matter!

Another 45 mins of navigating the oppressive traffic and right in the arms of a brand new friend.... a stunner!! A bombshell with a penchant of 'cooking and feeding'.... go beat that!! She is immediately a frenzy of activity of lunch and anecdote, regaling me with stories. A lunch, a cup of fantastic tea and zillion laughs later... am tucked in!! I told ya... a looker with motherly instincts! Lovely, lovely to have made this friend! Thank the Providence!

The finale'.... the purpose of the day! And, was it worth it??  YOU BET!!
The look on her face, while handling a very smart M&S boots.....! The stifled squeal... (yep, she is nothing, if not decorum maintainer!) The total flummoxed surprise!! (YES!!!) and the glee (accessorized with a mouthful of unmentionables!) Storm of snippets of catching-up, treated to home-made meringue and tarts! The beautiful witch CAN bake!!

It was glorious, it was intense bubble-wrapped in flippant! Spiced up with a pinch of  pathetic headache and 'missing-my-baby' intensely!!

The day filled me!

I want to tell you all this and about 'on-loop' playlist of A R Rehman's Rockstar ---
have you realised that the chemistry of night-sky and those twinkling cities on the ground is immensely heightened with the stream music?  Something surreal happens!

And, I want to tell you about reaching home in the black skied 2:00 am to the sleeping baby! Even in sleep he reaches out to the warmth and the smell and snuggles up!

A 24 hours of friends and 'family' DAY!  I drift off to sleep, folding into the snuggled warmth!

Copyright©Neerja Yadav

lewis carollesque

I dig myself up in a hole. Stories - in any form, take grip of me.

One would think, this is some form of residual psycho-babble nonsense form toddler/adolescence years... and all my 20s, i kept telling myself this!
 
I finished watching Evening and Martha Marcy May Marlene in a marathon.
Movies in general have a way of getting under my skin; I soak them up in the same way I soak up the emotions of strangers during commute; or at work, in college, or a party where I know only just a few acquaintances by name.

I tend to get into such vortex, every now and then... and should i seek medical help?
Or, should i let the reasoning part of me, take care of it... like always. Brain is YOUR tool and not the other way round.

30s are a bit better place to be, you sort of begin to understand and accept yourself the way you are... the different angluar turns of your dna, with grace!

The house is quiet. The air smells cold.

From the terrace, I see the distant car headlights making circles in the night.
It's lonely, driving, 3:30 in the night to your destination. Or is it? At the edge of the night, such thoughts... huddle around, with the cold they come closer now to the warmth of the foreground, some of them as faded as the pink paper tickets from the fete

I walk to the bedroom and find him sleeping like the baby he is... foetal, snuggled up with my pillow.

And, without knowing, unwittingly... there i see myself go... crumbling, falling apart... a total melt down... and all i can do is... watch! 

Let my falling self be, let her sob .... and sooner than later, i pick her up, give her a hug... and, we are good!  For the time being, at least...

It's frustrating and humbling to discover yourself at every turn, every corner... playin a peek-a-boo! Finding the limits and the core.

I am by nature an overachiever. An illusion - that i could do all and do it all beautifully.... another residual of teenage, high-school years... when my thoughts were too fractured and too refracted to stick to the routine.

Friends and acquaintances ask me, “How do you do it?”

The answer would be I am still finding my way around.... getting the hang of it!

There's this understanding of... everything cannot rather should not be picture perfect all the time, there would be missed doc appointments and missed classes and missed laundry and missed meetings

The idea is to complement... the silly with the vital... the playful with the responsible... the reflective musings with the assembly lines!


Copyright © Neerja Yadav

week-END

my week, this week, ended today.
on a monday!

there was a time, when semester exams,
especially the after-exams shenanigans were a big deal

the weather is still mild, the wind yet not biting...
i like the way late afternoon sun feels warm, syrupy, sunny...
and the way wind sweeps my hair into tangles, all over

i like the way, how the moon looks, a waxing crescent
stars twinkling, if look, long enough, millions of them

the quiet nights of winter prologue

i have re-discovered poetry -
the neruda and the liz bennett, the robert frost and the wendy copes of the world
are delighting me....
and loads and loads of, stories... the way my baby mixes up his stories... some old, some on-the-spur
are delightful...

moments full of grace, prayer like, even

life slips right by.

The slow spreading twilights merge into daylights which in turn spill into evening indiogos to starry skies and it's morning again

Live. NOW!

If not now, when?

Timing is not eveything and then maybe it is.
For every step, every leap of faith... timing is what you make of it, when you feel right... into your bones.
Always right, if you choose it to be, if you let the universe align.

This time last year, i was still tossing the idea of whether or not, I should begin school again? In general scheme of things, an undergrad, grad and a post-grad degrees would perhaps be enough...  Perhaps. Perhaps not.

So, if not now, when?
And, i began...
And then, i got in... sort of hilarously anti-climatically

bllink and am through with first semesters!

a day, a week, a month... merging into each other... blink and it's already christmas countdown! 

Copyright © Neerja Yadav