lewis carollesque

I dig myself up in a hole. Stories - in any form, take grip of me.

One would think, this is some form of residual psycho-babble nonsense form toddler/adolescence years... and all my 20s, i kept telling myself this!
 
I finished watching Evening and Martha Marcy May Marlene in a marathon.
Movies in general have a way of getting under my skin; I soak them up in the same way I soak up the emotions of strangers during commute; or at work, in college, or a party where I know only just a few acquaintances by name.

I tend to get into such vortex, every now and then... and should i seek medical help?
Or, should i let the reasoning part of me, take care of it... like always. Brain is YOUR tool and not the other way round.

30s are a bit better place to be, you sort of begin to understand and accept yourself the way you are... the different angluar turns of your dna, with grace!

The house is quiet. The air smells cold.

From the terrace, I see the distant car headlights making circles in the night.
It's lonely, driving, 3:30 in the night to your destination. Or is it? At the edge of the night, such thoughts... huddle around, with the cold they come closer now to the warmth of the foreground, some of them as faded as the pink paper tickets from the fete

I walk to the bedroom and find him sleeping like the baby he is... foetal, snuggled up with my pillow.

And, without knowing, unwittingly... there i see myself go... crumbling, falling apart... a total melt down... and all i can do is... watch! 

Let my falling self be, let her sob .... and sooner than later, i pick her up, give her a hug... and, we are good!  For the time being, at least...

It's frustrating and humbling to discover yourself at every turn, every corner... playin a peek-a-boo! Finding the limits and the core.

I am by nature an overachiever. An illusion - that i could do all and do it all beautifully.... another residual of teenage, high-school years... when my thoughts were too fractured and too refracted to stick to the routine.

Friends and acquaintances ask me, “How do you do it?”

The answer would be I am still finding my way around.... getting the hang of it!

There's this understanding of... everything cannot rather should not be picture perfect all the time, there would be missed doc appointments and missed classes and missed laundry and missed meetings

The idea is to complement... the silly with the vital... the playful with the responsible... the reflective musings with the assembly lines!


Copyright © Neerja Yadav

1 comment:

Margie said...

You always touch me so much with your writings!
You get to "the heart of it all"

Loved how you ended this, Neers.
Loved it all!

Margie x