potrait of the year - as a mind wreck and ray of hope....perhaps?

I woke up to the pre-dawn inkiness with a start, almost like you wake up right before the alarm actually goes off, and sure enough in 10 seconds he screamed with a nightmare or something… the way kids do sometimes… I  hugged him tight and within next ten seconds all was fine with the world, against mommy’s warmth. 

Frozen in the after sleep limbo clouds… I lay there, holding him, the little curled up ball he still becomes at 3, like his pre One days …I lay there, taking in his fragrance, the feel of him… Enveloped. Cocooned. 

The year ends today, not at a good note, from Sandy Hook to New Delhi… the globe is not right! Am surprised, we don’t get annihilated. I would like that! I sometimes even pray for it! There I said it. I know, I would get enough flak for this one. But, then I don’t see a mop strong enough, vacuum cleaner big enough to get the rot out. The rot of the collective. The experiment called man kind gone monstrous! There is no law, no system, no divine intervention, no poetic justice….. NOTHING TO MAKE IT BETTER!!

Till the gods decide on the date and time of Armageddon…

Back to doing what we do… philosophize, communicate, forget, forgive too and inventorize(coined this one). This last year has been a huge transition.

I’ve lost old friends, gained new ones(??); re evaluated my life and priorities. Stare down at the past, without regret, without guilt (something I am so prone to)… not because am hiding from them, but I can deal with 
them…now easily… with detachment. Effectively!

I am breathing. It’s easy to forget to breathe. I am looking at the stereo playing some fusion classical, the way the ball shaped lamp jigs and bobs and the way cigarette smoke forms a halo around it. I look around at the bead curtains dancing to the night wind and the way moon-rays shiver their way through. 

The distant traffic, the children playing, the night owl screech and my quiet … I gather all of these and … let all of them be my prayer. My prayer from my entire being. Prayer for ordinary things. Prayer for family…mine and everyone’s... the women who suffer(ed), the children who are gone, the fathers who passed on the highways… all of them. Prayer for friends. Prayer for every day. Prayer for ordinary things!  

I shall try and smile through these tears. 
Maybe. Just Maybe it will make a difference. 
Someday. Someway. 
Till the kingdom comes!


p.s: special mention to these people for making my year what it was! Maa, Dad, Somu, Saloni, Doug, Subh, Vishali, Nitish, Rajesh, Kushal, Kunal, King, Anne, Prof Paranjpe, Homayoon, Sabiha, Preeti, Preeti Di, Reshu, Anukriti, Vicky, My Instagram Friends ( Jasmeet, Priyank, Ranjit, Rujul, Raghuvir and the rest of you guys!!)

Thank You, All!  Have a blessed 2013! 

Copyright © Neerja Yadav

whats a two more decades... really!

 “…Her eyes
She's on the dark side
Every man in sight…”

The priest fell in love with the goddess. Goddesses are such unfeeling beings.

We're all made brittle! Breakable, delicate. The thoughts meld into dreams about things.

Nightmares framing the fairy tales. Cannonade of hearts trapped in wax, lost feathers and black holes. Always black holes. The loneliest, the most lost things in the Universe.

Christmas is about 10 days away, fairy lights and cold stars. The reds on the whites and baking fragrances and liqueur chocolates; all excuses really!

And so, the year winds down... what does it really mean? The calendar and the numbers…

The journey towards death and some nougats of learning … Learning to die!

The distance to home fades into foam
The heart just circles and roam...


“He broke my heart. You merely broke my life"
 by Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

Copyright © Neerja Yadav

a godess called The Bloggess

After a mind-wrenching night of  guzzling blended whisky straight from Haig 750ml bottle and much wannabe pole dancer dancing  (no poles were used either for vaulting or dancing) to the tunes of gangnam style and some nonsense iglesiaus (I don’t even know if I got the second name of the dude correct or not and am too bored to correct)  AND some throwing up AND some terrible sleep AND worse i-wish-i-was-dead-hangover while I had to manage a very “angelic” 3 yo! 

I was quite a case for therapist and cause for their existence!

But then therapies are for losers methinks, yes, me has me own nonsensical irrational rationale for everything…  AND, am so not a loser! Right? WRONG!!

Ah well, this post, so isn’t about me… it’s about  this awesome, awesome to the point of being sued, friend! 

Umm, does stalker reading her blog and commenting a times and tweeting to her handle, qualify me to call her my friend? I think she would say yes! So, YES!!

She was an accidental discovery sometime in Dec 2009, three 365 spins, this month!! And, instantly she was manna from heaven!

Those were dark days… Eyes-never-adjust-to-the-kind-of-dark-and-you-are-claustrophobic-forever-gasping-for-breath DARK!!

I have mentioned her before here, I suggested her to all and sundry and her blog kept me company. Her DMs on twitter were the shots required!  I am not alone in this; is truly a ray of hope one needs in darkness such!

Friends, meet my ray of hope The Bloggess! And, she has ARRIVED and how! Got her debut book from flipkart! And I cant recommend it enough!

IT has to be read; if you are into books… it HAS to be read if you are not into books!!

Post the wreck of last night, “Lets Pretend this Never Happened” is a life blood.

Copyright © Neerja Yadav