feedin my flame

Hello 3:00 AM, we meet again!

When the world takes on either the inky blue hue or sepia toned slow motion variety. Night time is deeply magical. Even the ordinary wok hanging in the kitchen, takes on a witchy look! Shadows hiding in the closet drawers. Phantasm sitting on the couch. Fairies smiling from that lamp you love!

When it seems like you are the only one on the planet. What happens when you ARE the only one on the planet and there is no audience??

Night time is for internet diving; to go treasure hunting. Make it your own. Become a master on hackers anonymous to the underground indie rock scene to dolphins in Japanese coastal areas.

Or, you could become a straight-up weirdo; you could go one better on Picasso or write reams of poetry. In fact, 3:00 Am plus IS the best time to do that! Write poetry. The darkness can get pretty inspiring.

I mean, what better, than, doing that thing with eyes closed, counting sheep or wine bottles under your bed or the un-read books occupying every available surface or number of lists you’ve made or folks you would want to sleep with, if that’s the way you roll. AND, IT STILL DOESN’T WORK!!

Because, sleep, just doesn’t wish to do you, this night or maybe all the subsequent nights. Not alluring enough, eh? Are we?

Try doing something just for Self. Because you feel like it! Just don’t go kill or harm anyone, EVEN IF it makes you happy! That’s just not allowed. Rest is fine! I think. Umm, also, no tap dancing or kitchen appliances or death metal on loud… headphones were invented for purpose

All night coffee shops! That’s a good idea! Yes, there ARE others like you. And, all of them are in the-only-person-on-the-planet!

Driving! Not doped or drunk, ones. Even just plain night driving gets into surreal-ethereal levels. And, conversations! Ahh! How spooky, layered and intimate, the tiniest of night-time conversations become! Psych!

Post-classes, post-seminar-prep, the random riding in the middle of no-where, sharing one-each-earpiece-of-iPods; held on tightly; watching dawn together… used to be, as soppy and pretentious as it sounds! And, great! Day time can actually ruin the romance of this! Because getting serious with someone you shared that ride with; through the night, not such a great idea. You are a cockamamie in those hours, even without a drop of alcohol in you.

Solitude is best served at Night! The world is strange and so are the rest of the-only-person-on-the-planet, people!  The whole thing is suicidal-beautiful, forgotten-ruins-Goth vibe to, it!

The woods and the tarot, the myth and the magic, all make sense!

It’s absurd and beautiful!

Copyright © Neerja Yadav


"Have a great number of threads been interwoven in this lecture? Which thread should I pull on to find the end in my hand? There is the thread that connects the moon, Leopardi, Newton, gravitation and levitation. There is the thread of Lucretius, atomism, Cavalcanti's philosophy of love, Renaissance magic, Cyrano. Then there is the thread of writing as a metaphor of the powder-fine substance of the world. For Lucretius, letters were atoms in contiual motion, creating the most diverse words and sounds by means of their permutations."  (Six Memos for the Next Millenium, Italo Calvino)

wanted : a seraphim

via Lady Night Stalker
The house hums with moonshine. 

Grief abounds, like a slate grey smoke it rises, seeps out from multiple corners of the heart and in a slow motion take, settles on everything.

Long forgotten strain filters through, almost audible, mixes with the moonshine and in no time, a complete symphony is ready to bleed you dry. You are drowning in it. The elusive, unexplained variety of heartache, inexplicably embraces you. The only hug, you would perhaps get, in a long long time.

Please, let’s discount the hugs; YOU have been giving yourself…

Copyright © Neerja Yadav

it was hard, but i did let go

In a grim grey of a hotel room, you lie crouched in the much used bed, fighting the cold with the much manhandled quilt, thankful for them both! Small mercies! Not for long, the glands get into frenzy and you miss your baby, physical ache, that! 

Reality makes strange room-mates and this time, yours is, a drunken cynical, venom spewing 32 year old. You chew on your lower lip to keep the bile at bay. You are screaming in your head. You smash a glass.

Sleep mutates into desert village tap, in spurts and bursts followed by long dry spell.

A dog barks irreverently somewhere, the cold night echoing it off.

And, then it begins. In the cold dark huddle of a 2:57 AM, the full blown panic attack, clammy hands, jet-like heartbeats, the stinging hot tears! From here to eternity, all you see is a chasm of loneliness! The claustrophobia of repression!

A loneliness attack for a loner, a confirmed solitude lover is ten times over!

Maybe tomorrow, you’ll feel different. Maybe it will be better.

You will an image, an idea, a phrase, a string of notes… anything to make the mist diffuse.

You will an image of all that has been gorgeous, you make it persist; you make it fight the insane night, but you know the fights almost out of you.

And then, just like that, the night folds away, the sunshine take shy ginger steps gathering her hem laces. Tiptoes a smile!  “You’ll be fine, sweetie!”

My personal equinox of soul! The light moving just enough that you know it has a vibration of life.

In the face of a laughable mess of smithereens, that you can become! You will your willpower to just stay with you some more until it becomes a force of it’s own.

Enough of escape routes and worst case scenarios, when it feels utterly impossible to finish. But you can, and you will…

The tightrope walk over the valley of failure and ugliness, of devastation and loneliness, slowly becomes your forte’. This is the time to intend and focus on happiness. There’s work to do, and it needs to begin now. 

The day brings a promise! A promise of love after the closure!

Copyright © Neerja Yadav

misery likes company  #neersRehashedplayList


“Everything that truly makes us happy is quite simple: love, sex, and food! Everything else – power, influence, strength – all those things can overpower what’s important in life. But as long as you have food and shelter over your head, if the necessities are taken care of, what makes us happy on top of that is very simple” – says Meryl  Streep

Isn’t it amazing, how a simple storytelling and conversation becomes a slow-key turn into the room of fantastic, quite anti-climatic and yet the flourish.

This year, Affluence, the word for the life and soul! For all things practical and magical. Somewhere between dream and miracle, there this essence, which now craves and wills Affluence!

It’s been so intense and full velocity and transformative in ways I still can’t put my finger on. And, am happy with the tentative and the blur that surrounds the whole things, like a misted halo! It’s recalibrated me, reframed my desires. 

Some connects are simple doorways. Doorways and not just rabbit holes to wonderland.

We always have a choice however; we tend to string things into schisms. Either Or. And, that is not what is living full, living full velocity!

One can always manifest what one truly desires. Like a prayer. The tempo, the rhythm, the notes just need to be right! Soon enough, you become, you do, and you get what you always desired.

You might not get it right in fact there would be more than one, days when we are reminded of burden of being a human mind, that one almost always till the end remains a rookie, new to the passion, new to the curveballs; and yet the brightness of brilliance on those days are novae enough to light the others.

Be a golden light around your heart and bounce your aura with health!

Here’s to love. Unadulterated. Simple. Just That.

And here’s to life and all that it brings with it.

Am a novice, yes, but am discovering, learning – the uber chic and the uber ugly, too; and having fun!

Making my Self, affluent!

Copyright©Neerja Yadav

i think its time i listened to myself

// And here's what i am saying to me:

Find the balance, enough see-saw already!
Get more sleep. Forgive yourself and people you love
Let exercise be a part of every day. And eat healthy
Soak up time with Nirvaan more...
Focus. Focus. Focus
Stop being scared, don't let the monster devour you.
It's okay to be depressive, better to recognize it, look it into the eyes...
Be gentle but firm.
It's okay to slip... you are human, it's allowed.
Accept self and others. 

Focus. Focus. Focus.

end of dec

".. She was so happy that her happiness terrified her. But, despite the delights before her --she knew perfectly well that no spot or place or home in the world could ever possess the sorcery of her...."

(The Blue Castle - Lucy Maud Montgomery)

Day II

I know how, still do not know why??