In a grim grey of a hotel room, you lie crouched in the much used bed, fighting the cold with the much manhandled quilt, thankful for them both! Small mercies! Not for long, the glands get into frenzy and you miss your baby, physical ache, that!
Reality makes strange room-mates and this time, yours is, a drunken cynical, venom spewing 32 year old. You chew on your lower lip to keep the bile at bay. You are screaming in your head. You smash a glass.
Sleep mutates into desert village tap, in spurts and bursts followed by long dry spell.
A dog barks irreverently somewhere, the cold night echoing it off.
And, then it begins. In the cold dark huddle of a 2:57 AM, the full blown panic attack, clammy hands, jet-like heartbeats, the stinging hot tears! From here to eternity, all you see is a chasm of loneliness! The claustrophobia of repression!
A loneliness attack for a loner, a confirmed solitude lover is ten times over!
Maybe tomorrow, you’ll feel different. Maybe it will be better.
You will an image, an idea, a phrase, a string of notes… anything to make the mist diffuse.
You will an image of all that has been gorgeous, you make it persist; you make it fight the insane night, but you know the fights almost out of you.
And then, just like that, the night folds away, the sunshine take shy ginger steps gathering her hem laces. Tiptoes a smile! “You’ll be fine, sweetie!”
My personal equinox of soul! The light moving just enough that you know it has a vibration of life.
In the face of a laughable mess of smithereens, that you can become! You will your willpower to just stay with you some more until it becomes a force of it’s own.
Enough of escape routes and worst case scenarios, when it feels utterly impossible to finish. But you can, and you will…
The tightrope walk over the valley of failure and ugliness, of devastation and loneliness, slowly becomes your forte’. This is the time to intend and focus on happiness. There’s work to do, and it needs to begin now.
The day brings a promise! A promise of love after the closure!
Copyright © Neerja Yadav
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