Right when, it seems, things have begun to take shape and grow beyond the organic level; the flux takes over and the chaos rules.
I am not surprised by the pattern anymore, just a wee bit weary. Enough, already! Universe! Or, is it that subconsciously, I chose such things long time back, at the advent. Right, when everything began? Very Bourne, Ms. Yadav! I wish Eric Van Lustbader or perhaps LionelShriver would take over and clean the script! Maybe a bit! Or not! I shall command my own destiny, like always. Follow the proverbial White Rabbit of my own Wonderland.
Am deciding to just roll with it! No rhyme, no reason. At least, not right now, not what it seems. Oh yeah, a very good thing is, am NOT confused! Like someone close said, “You are pretty sorted!” That I am! I guess! Is this is a stress test, Mr.God? It certainly looks like it! And, yes, you ARE NOT WINNING, this round, buddy!
Before I detonate into smithereens and try the teleportation, after all! Am just about to ramble and find that one guiding needle in the needle stack!
I keep wishing that I’ll wake up one morning and smile with a smug sense of 'a place for everything and everything in its place'! Nada! Not to be!
And yes, at times like this, the radar just zones in on the existential epiphany: What truly is my calling? Something that utilizes all the parts of my brain: strategic, creative, emotional, tangential and practical.
Something that challenges me in all the right ways! And, not just roadblocks!
No Sir, THAT ONE hasn’t yet been sorted.
I watch the light move across the sky make a list of things that I should do. Making use of this time.
The list of things, which makes me feel satiated as a mother, creator, home maker, professional, writer, dreamer and all things in between and beyond.
It’s amazing, with the kind of clarity I remember my high school days, the way the red pleated skirts n white blouse looked and felt, the smell of summer grass, the quiet of the convent after school hours, the bee-colony like hub bub of the morning assembly, the lunch breaks and insane giggle of inane gossips.
I refill my ‘annoy me at your own risk’ coffee mug and let the nostalgia flood over, brought on more sharply by this one here. This I think, is sort of my secret replenish-me reservoir, when exotic vacations and day-offs are just luxury!
When I return, I am calm. A bit! And, try and focus!
I think, I will try and set a new tempo to things and maybe try running every day and write every day. A bit more! And, here I step away from being very Bourne on my way to being umm… Buddha?
A writing Buddha!
Copyright © Neerja Yadav