the magician inside me

Spring stillness mingles with full-blast summer takeover. I sit down on my desk, lost in the hills beyond the concrete skyline. I feel vulnerable, broken a bit. 

Becoming a mother increases your permeability, I believe! You soak up the little sweet things and you also absorb the sadness around, with heightened intensity.

The sky already envelopes the summery eerie quiet; and not very long back, wasn’t I wishing for the mellow gold, and now that it is here in all its glare and glory, am a little burned up.

The way grief is mashed up with tenderness. I can feel the slow sizzling sadness with a potency to hijack the soul; creeping in. This cognizance doesn’t help in anyways, perhaps just makes it worse.

I finish my day and return home, Nirvaans waiting up; greets me with “Mummaaa you back!” and I sink my whole being in the smell of his hair. That. Is enough to hold me, sustain me! He hugs me with in his chubby embrace and kisses my forehead!! Like an elder brother!! That kid, surprises me constantly! “Mumma kissie, mumma huggie…, love you!”

How did he know? Maybe it’s this that makes me fold in against myself.
My eyes hurt, I choke. Am trying my hard to not sob! A lone drop!
I pick him up, whirl him around, jiggle a bit, tickle some! And, all is good with the world.

And, some millionth time ‘am grateful!
A brave smile at the creeping one! Enough fuel to carry on.

Copyright © Neerja Yadav


Sojourner said...

Can't remember which day among the past few days (or nights) I suddenly felt a need to thank you... Just like that... A deep feeling... I get that once in a while. Perhaps every time I read something you write or as is often the cases lately, when I feel too tired to read anything or when I see a tweet or count my blessings...

I doubt if I ever returned you a favor. I doubt if I ever will. If I ever can. If I should even try. I have been and I am going to be generally useless and helpless. How is that possible? Why are some meant to be parasites? If the sun or moon asks for help what can you do? It's all very much one way. It has to be so.

But if there ever was any doubt (not possible) Thanks for having been a pal when I needed :)

May his blissfulness cheer you on ... and on... and on... :)

Sojourner said...

me? change? number? only after my number's up ;) But I rest the phone a lot... and that's nothing new. But the keyboard hardly ever rests. And that's not new either, is it? And you are not going to follow that lead, are you :) ? all so predictable.