the non-weedy trips

I have been bunking here. Like summer giving way to monsoons, lot has been happening and suddenly. I am trying to slip into a routine mode. And, today after long, I found the quiet, the hush.

Late afternoon lunch, a story or two and some solid pillow wrestling later; I bring coffee and then I mull about a bit, a movie? Some more of Al Jazeera or just some good solid reading until I find a resonating half a sentence among the mental scraps!

A raveling, a glimmer, a tenuous thread… Nirvaan looks angelic in his concentrating-on-ant-family look!

It is, this quite mundanely magical moment of everyday, a half formed sentence, a playful child, distant car horns, the general afternoon sun and sky…  something from nothing and then back that tucks tiredness falling in front of my eyes back like stray locks.

And even if it is a very small thing, a single purposeful gesture, it is often enough.

I had no idea when I first began, first time the motherhood sunk in, first time ‘everything’ else sunk in… No idea that two and half year, a toddler, couple of organizations and a university semester later, I could finally be in this peaceful space. The space I always knew was hiding behind that rock yonder.

In the times I was contemplating amongst other things; getting up and moving out and keep moving, raising the child like those gypsies (yes, the very one, I am at my core) or selling this place and making him a trust fund huge enough to see him through till his late 20s before leaping off that cliff or this ledge; I was peeling off the layers and mining the real self.

I had grown used to watching the day pass from the windows.

So, I gave up taking everything, I gave up saying ‘yes’ to everything, I gave up being bitter, I gave up pretending for others’ sake, I gave up sweet coating and I gave up being critical.
And I forgave. I skirted around being a trash can! 

And, the world turned to spring! Yes, the harsh summers still here and frozen winters still don’t thaw easily and it still pours when it rains!

There is something to persisting, to showing up, and showing up, and finishing; to discovering that you are capable of more. It’s the only way, really, to find that out: to do the hard stuff, the impossible stuff! 

And now look!  There’s eternal sunshine – the clear cumulus-filled variety!

Copyright© Neerja Yadav