'never let me go'

Christina talks about Animal Totems and I think I have two right now the deer and sparrow. 

He says I sound irritated. I stop.  Am I? Irritated? With what?  A presence or an absence?
I don’t really know or perhaps maybe I do.  Everything is a compass. The heart always knows best. The ever present friend and guide!

What is it like to finally decide to:

1.    Give up a friend and remember his birthday?
2.    Give up on another one and remember her idiosyncrasies?
3.    Not let the muck in a garb of pleas, touch you?
4.    Not let the fatigue and dark clouds envelope, interfere with the everyday?
5.    Let your son kiss you silly and mess with you, when all you really want is to be left alone?
6.    Not get disconnected completely, when you are really craving that shell?
7.    Not let lead-in-the-stomach-premonitions paralyze you?
8.    Taking a chance on a new friendship when you would rather shut out?
9.    Saying yes to self and someone, but more to self? That huge leap of faith?

 It’s vertiginous. It’s terrifying.

An unexpected rain shower of everything to make new memories takes over. A slow realization it’s good to be cautious but it’s greater perhaps to be true to self. The simply wild self! There is grace in nature.

To learn to know how it feels to be stranded in the middle of an ocean and have the skies open up and know things will never be the same again. And, your heart just got a bit more scraped and bit more resilient.

Tempestuous! Dramatic! Bright! Scary!  I am vulnerable. I am scared.

Copyright © Neerja Yadav

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