"her name is alice...."

I might have to move. After about 3 years of rooted life. Again!

I slowly unpack myself. Knowing fully well; this time, I wouldn't fight. Flow like a river!

The move is what we need perhaps. But, the actual process of moving: walking into the unknown is frightening. And, am just this bohemian at heart!  My uber-sensitive constitution is humming with the vibrations of possible change.  Processing!

The mist sings hauntingly here at night, and it is quiet. In the morning the sounds of traffic rise with the sun. During the day there are mynahs on my terrace. They remind me of my childhood: where my favorite time was to lie down and watch the white fluff of clouds float by on azure blue sky… and watch the mynahs preening. I love their exotic calling during the day.

Nirvaans now forming complex sentences and blocks and communicating everything he wants. He’s fearless and slight of hand, that boy of mine. Sure footed and confident everywhere. He explores. He plays. And is quite headstrong!

He’s got two baskets stocked with knick knacks, balloons, cars, trucks, pebbles, angry birds merchandise.  He sits looking out the windows, thoughtful, full of old soul wisdom.

I readjust the furniture around the house. There is good light in the living room, with French windows perfect for basking.

In the morning when air is still white and untouched by yellow sunlight, we lie in bed, under the duvet; rubbing noses, making pillow forts and playing hide and seek. In the evenings, three of us, talking shop, gleeful, contented.

Unwittingly, I have a completion of a family. Very staid yet special… in that inexplicable way!

Sunrise crisp morning and a huge, pink cumulus right on the horizon, bigger than imagination, wider than a dream. He comes over, carries his coffee mug. We stand looking. Him all dressed and ready to leave and me just out of bed. Nirvaans happily tucked in. He holds me close; presses his lips into my hair. The blue sky getting ready to welcome the sun’s flame.  This view! Him holding me, just tentative, just enough!

He leaves.

Immersed in house chores later, I hear the sparrows chirp and doves call, as if just for me.
It’s these things I’ll miss. The way the sky feels mine. The lived-in aura of this place I call home. The love pad it has become! The way walls sing and play with Nirvaans artwork. The ways there are fairy lights all over the terrace. The way my kitchen is still an echo of my single bachelor days.

Isn't this always the way? The hardest part of change is the anticipation that comes before; the huge fractured maze of what we can’t imagine. Known becomes nostalgia overnight. Not because it is right or true, but because the course is already set. Because the heart knows its way through, each turns familiar and made by habit.

Constant change and continued familiarity! 

Copyright © Neerja Yadav

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