accidentally - on purpose

On my reading bench, my sighs ring out my desires in the cold December air. The sky is dry and dull. The smell of grass wafts from my nook of a garden. Its greening and inadvertently make me happy. The shadows long in the gloaming.

It’s so easy, to let habit become fact. To let inertia stilt the energy flows. To settle into the way things have always been, even if it no longer feels in balance.

That’s what 2015 was all about.

It’s easy for this to happen especially when you’ve just been waxing and waning on the needs of day-to-day. The bills in the inbox and the dishes on the counter; the laundry in the machine and still your thoughts gravitate to alone-time and time together. Both in short supply.

When it takes all, to not scream with weariness – the seeped in your marrows variety of weariness! And what you do instead is pull out the forgotten cocoa from the pantry, treat yourself to homemade chocolate and get comfy between the warm throw and pillows, with a book.

Too much happened. I joined and quit an extremely toxic organization. I fell in and out of love in several layers. I got a pair of gold fish and lost one. Lost a few friends to their own choice. Nirvaan graduated to a proper school and every morning I break my heart seeing my baby climb the school bus to travel for an hour. I made some bold moves and chastised myself on every other occasion. I finally caught fine lines and immense amount of grey. I was grateful and grumbled too, for dad staying over this year. Home renovation projects. Meeting friends over business trips. Kept the migraine tablet industry going single-handedly. Thinking details. Planning big. Spending all my savings. Rolled my thoughts around like a pebbles in a box. Threw them on the board and I still don’t see a pattern. Or a picture.

I feel like 60 and 16 at the same time. Shattered and resurrected by the same things.

The world makes me claustrophobic and I deliberately lose myself inside, lest I forget to breathe, forget to feel, to listen. It’s harder to bring attention to breath and pulse and heart.

Shall I stop seeking balance? Pull a plug on the quest for peace?

Shall I just let the Universe guide me? Waiting for that stirring of energy. Activation. Motivation.

Copyright © Neerja Yadav