d.é.j.à. v.u. - a window ajar is a prelude to the joy of being limitless

I once began a love affair with Roark, the unapologetic almost a scruff silent ‘masochist’ of a man. Ask my teenage self and then ask again my 20s and even 30s – the answer would still be a wide dewy eyed , bobbing head, clamped hands YES!

How does one get over that first throes of limerence? The first object that literally self explains the all mystical hidden meanings of Love?

The simple answer is one doesn’t!  And thus begins the undoing. 
The little things, the inconsequential, the arcane of tiny items.

It was early 2000s and all through the decade when my brain and self were mutating into an alien life form of itself.  The pull to star dust, the will to self destruct and conserve growing into their own beings together; friends even – all of this co-existed with negotiating a rising career, detached and destructive relationships all around; I was going through people unaware of them – unaware of the self, too

Have never had a chartered map for my direction of travel operating on tenets of intuition and doing the right thing in here and now.  I know where am I going – I just don’t ever know the route. A la Han Solo and his Millennium Falcon.

More so during that decade – decade which was a ringing resounding echo of loss,  of love, of  moments shining brilliant, of nights as long as nightmares, of  unadulterated joy of being kissed and abysmal hurt of being abused – of turning into a baser version of self and hating it.

And then I grew up relentlessly, unwittingly, despite it all. And I fought, fought hard to undo the ongoing ravaging of baser version to grow into a better one; fought hard to keep the faith and naiveté  - it was Fightclub times n.

A few things have stayed all through, as pillars – one of them was you – Mr. AK – precisely your work, which were speaking voices in the head - began in 2001 and continued - ‘am I tongue tied fan girl? 

No. Am just another girl next door who sees dimensions beyond the crowd.  

You are no Roark – you couldn't be... Roark isn’t real – you are close enough or so i feel... A game theory of Prisoner's Dilemma at work!

And there's more - always so much more left unsaid than said

Am not good at putting everything down - what am good at is algorithms and being a living fossil of memories. 

Note to Self: Stupid self deprecating humour almost always bomb. Get Up and Pack for Amsterdam! 

Copyright©Neerja Yadav

hope or something like that

its end of April - 4 months just strolled away and i haven't gotten anywhere near to smoothen the creases of my everyday life - i get up - having NOT slept enough - i force my mind to switch the day mode - activate the energy and go about the days like an automaton... 

i HAVE decluttered a lot however and yet some days i already feel like "cat lady" only i don't have cats or any form of four legged pets - i do have a pair of love birds and lots of plants and well a 8 year old - who is so GEEKY some days i suspect he is a secret ANONYMOUS member 

i live with my mom (see, how am not saying she lives with me? because respect people!) 
i would love to say am "co-parenting" with my mom or some such syrupy version of the truth and the truth is she always wants to run away - BECAUSE well she never did parent us so much - am sure this is frustrating for her ... I DO LOVE HER SO... 

i have made fair amount of mistakes, error in judgements in my life - i try and avoid the same one twice - am too many things, ineffective isn't one of them

i have been dreaming of a man a lot these days - he is always being awfully nice and in love with me - shame can't see his face to fixate on any of the potentials of the waking hours... 

some day, people, some day ... there still is hope! 

am not even "netflixing" any more - am back to obsessive reading - finishing a book a day... what's to become of me... 

this isn't despair, not yet... like i said... there still is hope! 

Copyright©Neerja Yadav

when i fall and hit the ground!

we have something and then it ends and then begins and then it ends again... a circle.. and then tangents making another circles... there is always a method in madness, always! and when its over, what we have is a fading song... the rolling end credits.

the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, does it really matter? how we pray to our different gods and celebrate life, differently... does this matter? what matters, is the celebration. the light sieving through the leaves, a quivering branch lifting towards sun, the sun kissed skyline after the rains...

why do we always hesitate before stepping over, at the doorways of our heart?

©2018 Neerja Yadav

Bliss and Blessing

After much push and pull on the trousseau and the menu, the colors and the flowers, the ensembles and the guest-list, the play list and the rituals...(and that right there is a whole different longish blog post of haldis and the mehndis and the sangeets and the dirty dancings and flirtations all over) but i digress...
The confetti has settled, the dance music has faded and the feasting is done.

Gazillion hours, Million Intercontinental Whatsapp Planning Groups and Thousands of shopping trips and four intensive days of festivities, banquets airplane and car rides later - the most awaited Indo-Greek Partnership is now sealed with rites of fire!! :)

Everyone flew back to their next stops/homes and our youngest flew the coop technically - with a quick stop over at Bali!! 
(Pictures, Soma and Foti Mou!)

It's been three days since the ceremonial tying of knot and two days since the "bidaai" (traditional send off); while nothing literally changes but then everything does change - with that pinch of vermilion in the bride's middle parting and the vows around fire. 

There was a certain happiness in planning the bridal shower to bidaai and getting lost in all the madness of details and coordination. 

But despite all the stress, personally I think the last few months have been rather amazing.
While we are all relieved in many ways that its gone all smoothly, I think it is the closeness of family (new and old) and friends (new and old) that stays forever. The shared meals, dances and the bonhomie. The little things that would remain etched itself in memory. The numerous hugs and the jaw breaking smiles would make for stories.

The detail of the dresses would be forgotten but the almost intuitively syncopated choreography of chores and complementing each other's movements would not. 

It's been an emotional ride we have had over the last week. 

At the end of it all, it feels like a dream. Surreal and Eiderdown fuzzy!

Life has begun to feel a little anti-climatic already, and while I negotiate getting back to the day to day. Between unpacking luggage and packing lunches - taking this 5 to reflect.. 

What is it that brings two people together and transcends into bringing cultures and families together? What is that makes  potential best friends out of beautiful people you just meet (Angelica!) And what is it that makes you fond of couples like you've known them all your life (Sean-Monica - hugs)? 

The handsome twin who gingerly but surely shines brilliantly from inside? (Theo, my love!)

What exactly is it that strikes a chord somewhere with your sensibilities of quiet (Katya!) and subtle impishness (Giovanni - great job on the shoes by the way!)?

How about people who just make a difference with their presence (Phil-Vicki)? And the people who add to the glitter (Bikram-Ankita)? Those who bring the earthy tones with their joy (Shravya, Pallavi and Manish)? 

And those who are like the fixture of support (Ashwini-Arun)?  Girls who glam the occasion and also keep the bride sane - Mina, Trupti, Tini, Shelley?? 

Boys who are pillar of support from charming the in-laws to working the details to carrying the flowers to setting the stage to fetching the bride (Rajesh, Praveen, Kunal, Rishi and Amit)?  

And the hordes of relatives who take it upon themselves to make this better, enjoyable, comfortable, even a tad bit bittersweet??

What about parents who are overwhelmed with things to do and overflowing with love & blessings?

What really??  
LOVE Unadulterated!

And words being words would be inept to 
capture the blessing we have for my kid sister and brother-in-law! 

God Bless, You Guys! 

 Copyright©Neerja Yadav

Manifesto 2018

“We all come into existence as a single cell, smaller than a speck of dust. Much smaller. Divide. Multiply. Add and subtract. Matter changes hands, atoms flow in and out, molecules pivot, proteins stitch together, mitochondria send out their oxidative dictates; we begin as a microscopic electrical swarm. The lungs the brain the heart. Forty weeks later, six trillion cells get crushed in the vise of our mother’s birth canal and we howl. Then the world starts in on us.”

Excerpt From: Doerr, Anthony. “All the Light We Cannot See: A Novel.”

Gratitude has been a constant theme of living for past year or so. Living with intention and reflection is the way to live. To be fully present. To be connected with self. We have been losing it, haven't we?  

Musk is talking about training humans to be par with AI?? And while my first reaction was WTF?? I quickly recovered to appreciate the vision. I am not a proponent of this idea but I get it. The planet by and large is so hyper connected that we all are losing connect with selves and turning ourselves in gadgets.  So really, what is the difference between a Humanoid and a Human? I know, this is oversimplification and then again I think it's time we simplified. 

It really should be simple and effortless. This living!

I keep trying to be have a disciplined routine to life .. to eating, to work, to writing, reading, to getting up... and to sleeping... all half-heartedly, though. Am not here - I have never completely been here. a haphazard way of existence, that does look all put together.

A New Years begun - the year I complete another decade!  

There are days that loneliness drowns me - there are days I couldn't care less and there are days I even care about the ant colonies. It’s winter and I’m messed up, with a mask of smile.  But I stepped into this last year of the decade with a heart full of intents and head full of blueprint of a living charter.

Have been given these lovely, cozy, messy, glorious moments - make it count. 

Goals of some fundamental self-transformation:

1. Open my Heart, Mind and Self to New things, New People and even the Ones who love you now! 

Yes! the most difficult one, this! One tends to be self reliant, one tends to grow up all self done and one forgets that even then there are forces and people at play behind the scenes, making it all work for you! I walked into the year with a pocketful of this already! It's a dance routine I guess! 

2. Travel Alone - not for business but for self - see the world outside periscope and instagram

3. Invest in Self - Mind and Body. Get Richer. Fill myself with Peaceful Silence within


I whole heartedly believe in power of Santa even when Satan is hovering close and thats how you top up the shitty moments - Rustle up fun naughty memory moments when the world begins to start on you!  

A very Happy New Year, Universe!  (although am pretty sure the Universe doesn't care about our calendars!)

Copyright©Neerja Yadav