I avoided the entire route like a
plague, for as long as I could and then suddenly, I took my car for a stroll,
at 20kmph in ‘the wrong lane’ – the same where my 20s were on a collision course
at 200kmph in ‘the right one’ (??)
The place of my memory was same and
different. Like a black and white kaleidoscope the scenes kept unfurling. Not a
single nook or a corner is bereft of memories. As I take a left turn, I see the
raven haired, saucer eyed, waif like girl laughing her head off UN-self-consciously and bam right on the next stop near that coffee shop, there
she is… heart- broken, lost, biting on her lips to hold back the threatening
deluge; and now walking out of the apartment building gate with all the false
bravado of mid-20s and then its night time, there she is half-mad hailing a cab
to get him to hospital on time…
That pagan spirit of that girl and
the place still do a slow waltz of Brownian motion in the air and the sunshine bouncing
off that balcony… It’s there if you look and hear closely.
It is big, impressive, and really quite
lovely in its nostalgia. I can’t help but… hate it.
Maybe it’s for the best. The jagged imperfect
perfection of my youth has been razed, but lives on in my head. “If time
begets decay, then reverie provides respite, however brief”
The holograms spring back up unbidden as
I remember; the feelings come pouring back, pure and unaltered. His eyes almost
blood shot sparkle above his perfect nose and lips and I still know how to
love.
It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? Too
long really to go back pick up the puzzle pieces of whatever came before right
now. Now, it is November of 2013 – two years
shy of a decade since I moved out.
It took just one afternoon, packed my
things, my love and life and my humble self, up in a suitcase. Just one
afternoon to re-locate my entire being. A kill shot, lest I linger and just
stick around. Live the Love. Love that was tumultuous; ardently
passionate, pregnant with juvenile bravado and razor honesty of self.
The light is ample while it lasts. Most
days golden with a long slant to the light towards afternoon. The sky is as
winter skies are. White on blue! Perfectly fairytaleish!
Everywhere the reminder: We are all here briefly, just this one time! Karma and rebirth notwithstanding!
Everywhere the reminder: We are all here briefly, just this one time! Karma and rebirth notwithstanding!
Dear Silence, fill me up!
Copyright © Neerja Yadav