The weekend was terrifying.
I have been given my fair share of scary, life altering adrenaline pumping, imploding paranoia and sometimes absolute-cliffhanger-claw-back-to-survive situations so i say this with as much grace and humility as one average person is capable of - this was TERRIFYING!
On-loop 120 beats per minute resting heartbeats are not fun. It was a psychedelic, claustrophobic, worst case scenarios rolled into one and neatly tied with a bow of imploding panic attacks.
That's how my mind protects myself - i think, knowingly, self-aware(ly) repress and implode, find the equilibrium, just about ... and break apart again. And if you were a stranger talking to me just then... you wouldn't know, unless you believed in vibes and saw auras. My 11 year old does and I very nearly broke him...
My mind and body constantly on a collision course with the reality and sometimes running in parallel and then colliding again. Sometimes my entire quiet existence feels like a primordial chaos.
And IT IS a quiet existence. Am a (high) functioning introvert. I can host parties with tons of people so that I don't have to sit and make small talk. I would like to make small talk and I try and I get anxious and shut up. Am better in text, very curt or transactional on voice and a listener in one on one with enough inputs to make believe the small talk. I value kindness over everything else and yet can't seem to find my way out of derisive self-talk.
I have friends, in spite of myself.... AND IT was these friends i reached out to .... to help me off the ledge... survival instincts or plain rational being, call it what you will, even though some of them didn't know they were doing that, some of them did... and they did talk me off that ledge.
The nights were the worst. I collect the 'broken-yet-high functioning' attributes as if they were going out of fashion; overcompensating the amount of dark my mind seems to be capable of; i think... so, as a high functioning insomnia pulled the curtain call... the nights became the absolute worst, threatening to take over and stifle me with slow deliberation.
I could hear the cicadas song interspersing the quiet, save for the occasional cars and decided to finally have a heart to heart with the ballooning full moon..... praying....
Come Monday, I had trudged myself into a space between confusion and coherence...
Now am moving with measured intention through whirling chaos towards the unknown... armed only with, faith and vision (of much deserved happiness) and with knowledge that somewhere even with all the million heartbreaks of different variety, I never let go of my tenet of kindness....
Hitherto, I have been blessed in some really subtle ways.
Now, is the time I am blessed out loud!
Copyright © Nee