“Until you’re in it you can’t comprehend the cipher of guilt and fear and longing that instinct scrawls across your days as a parent.” writes Christina in her Field Guide to Now and I couldn’t agree more and then some…
It’s 4:30 in the morning and the incessant pelting of the rains against the window panes and everything else; adds to the quiet choreography of my heart
It’s 4:30 and I woke up up to write this birthday letter. Unlike the last 11 years - this one is going to be a hurried scrawl and seems significant if only for that reason. I haven’t written in ages …
You went to bed late with a good night words of ‘ hey mummy (your start of every sentence!!) i can’t believe am turning 12 in only a few hours!!” I know baby, I know …. how did it happen??
You are taller than me, you are smarter and nerdier than me at that age. And much much better soul than I can ever hope to be :)
And, ‘a very gentle and light spirit’ ; ‘a delight to be around’; - as all of your teachers informed in the Parents Teacher Conference.
This last year you became more sensitive, more resilient, curious and self aware, surprisingly you are a balance of tween self indulgence and zen gregariousness and everyone is drawn to this.
Wary of it at first because it’s difficult to see the light of you and accept it as it is and then be drawn to it … because how can you not?
You are nostalgic and scientific, you know what you want and painfully deliberate over your choices, you love the beauty of the things and want to be kind even to things that don’t inspire beauty in you … because how can one not?
I love you and am in awe of you every single moment… because how can I not?
You continue to dazzle me with your silliness and your maturity, with your dramatic flair and somber thoughts, your agonising over fairytales and philosophical discourses.
You are all that’s good in me even when it’s dark … all that could possibly be good in the world…in all it’s grey glory.
Happy Happy Birthday, My heart …
Love you infinity times …
-Mummy